A Mixed Bag Of Blessings And Curses

I'm a mixed bag of emotions today. I want to write to all of you about this mixed bag of blessings and curses it feels like I'm carrying around these days.

There's an unfortunate trend in the American version of Christianity in this day and age that downplays the importance of admitting one's sins and seeking repentance, forgiveness, and restoration publicly because that somehow makes us appear "weak" or something. Oh well. I never cared too much for modern day "Churchianity" anyway.

I have sinned. No, I have been sinning. Some sins have been done without even knowing it, while others have been done knowingly. That's the part that really gets under my skin. And yet, it's under my skin, just below the surface, where this thorn in my side has resided all along, and where it looks like it will remain for the rest of my life. Despite everything I've learned from the Holy Spirit, there are times when I take my eyes off of our common enemy for just a second (worse, I take my eyes of Jesus Christ for just a second) and it's a second too long because that's precisely when the Devil always strikes. I know better! Or so I thought.

Everyone struggles with something: Anger; Arrogance; An adulterous relationship; Drug use; Eating too much; Impatience; Impure thoughts; Swearing; Lying; Pride; Pornography; Yelling at the husband/wife/kids; Gambling; Watching too much TV; Self-abuse; Self-righteousness; etc. The important thing is to recognize our sins, confess them before our Lord in humble repentance, and ask Him for mercy, forgiveness, and help in overcoming them. It's a process that should continue until the day we die as we should never become so confident in who we are that we begin walking a fine line between our constant need for Christ and the thinking that we can get by and do this on our own now.

Resisting temptation is one of the hardest things in life. Giving in to temptation is easy especially when you've developed a habit of succumbing to your weakness. The payoff in following your vice varies from temporary fulfillment to another satisfying step towards self-destruction.

Regrettably, I'm putting my work here on hold for a day...or two...or three. As long as it takes I'm afraid. My sincere apologies in advance for any inconvenience. This work, and those like you who I do this for, are far too important for me to continue doing what I'm doing as a severely wounded soldier who's in need of some serious medical attention.

Yes, I'd say I'm "seriously wounded" indeed at the moment, but in a spiritual sense and not the physical. Honestly? My heart just doesn't feel right; my heart's not right, or even in the right place! It was a shock to me too. Such a revelation scares me because, of course, the last thing I want to do is drift away from my Heavenly Father to the point where I drift back into old habits. Yes, I'm afraid that's what's been happening. I had no idea until just last night. Such are the workings of the Subtle Serpent Worse, Satan's fiery darts and temptations are bombarding me to the point where I feel like JRed is under siege; a surprise and sneak attack against one of God's children who thought He was finally free and clear of such nonsense after several years of bondage.

What makes man want to return to old behavior that he knows is destructive and will only lead to death? What is it about certain things in our lives that will constantly entice us no matter how much we pray, no matter how much we rely on the Lord to carry us through, no matter how much progress He's helped us make in those areas of our life? I can COMPLETELY identify with the following:

Psalm 138:8 -- "The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands."

They say "old habits die hard", but I thought that once we're dead to this life and our sins in Jesus Christ that those same old habits would die a hard death never to return. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong. Maybe it's not so much that those temptations to sin ever really go away because Satan is always looking to destroy us, but maybe they begin to lose their power as time goes by as the Holy Spirit empowers us and teaches us how to respond in the face of such things.

Neal A. Maxwell once said, "If we entertain temptations, soon they will be entertaining us." As an Angel of Light, Satan is especially skilled at making sin seem attractive to us. In other words, Satan prefers to employ subtle tactics rather than overt ones because disguised temptations are more effective in deterring and deceiving well-intentioned Christians. In his book Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis wrote that from the devil's vantage point "the safest road to Hell is the gradual one -- the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."



Again, let's just say that I can COMPLETELY identify with those statements. Lord, please have mercy on me and forgive me! I know it must grieve Your heart each and every time I succumb to a temptation no matter what form it takes. Jesus did everything perfectly, without sin. While it is the Christian’s goal to become more Christlike, we are fallen creatures, and I get that. Yes, we fail daily in some way, shape, or form in our attempts to live righteously. I get that too. In the words of Paul we "press toward the mark of the prize," but never do so perfectly. Yes, thank You for revealing that to me in this moment, but I still feel so defeated and hypocritical and unworthy to do much of anything in Your name until I can sort through this with Your help.

I'm sure that there would be many Brothers and Sisters in Christ who, if they knew about the specifics of my predicaments, would argue that I'm being too hard on myself and that perhaps this is Satan trying to weight me down and distract me from doing what the Lord wants me to at this moment in time. Perhaps. The thought isn't lost on me. After all, just like in times past, whenever it seems as though I'm reaching a deeper level of faith in my relationship with my Lord and Savior, or whenever I begin to do more and more work for His glory, that's the precise moment I am attacked. It never fails! But how do I get to a place where I no longer have to fear falling to the same temptations no matter what's thrown at me or when it's thrown at me?

The challenge for me lately has evolved. While I might be able to resist certain temptations to sin better than I was able to in the past (and, as a result, sin less than I once did) the trade off is that I feel even guiltier those times when I do slip. I beat myself up saying I should know better -- and I should -- but I often ask myself, "How many times will God forgive me for the same sin? How many times can I go through this same process?"

The Bible tells us:

Hebrews 4:14-16 -- "Come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need"

Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother and he thought maybe seven times might be a fair limit. But Jesus said "seventy times seven", which of course does not literally mean 490 times, but rather that the number of times are not to be counted (Matthew 18:21-22). This is our Lord's principle of forgiveness, and we may be certain that he did not bind it only upon Peter, but also upon Himself.

Perhaps the answer is that there is no limit on how many times you may ask forgiveness from God, even for the same repeated sin. This should not, of course, encourage us to keep on sinning. However, it should encourage us to keep on repenting, to keep on struggling with our sin (Ephesians 6:10-18), and to keep on bringing our sin to the Savior.

Still, even though I know that to be true I still can't help but to feel as if one of these times He'll simply say, "Enough of this! Enough of you! I've tried and tried to help you, but you wouldn't take my hand! I've forgiven you over and over again, but still you go back to engaging in the same destructive thoughts, the same destructive behavior! I'm through! We're done! I am turning my face and my favor from you once and for all!"

Now, before anyone tries to talk me out of my genuine and warranted feelings of regret, shame, and the desire to seek His face in forgiveness let's also consider another truth to this entire discussion. Though it is not a sin to be tempted, it is a sin to give in to temptation. Temptations come to the godly and the sinner alike, but what sets them apart is not the temptation itself, but rather the response to it.

Guilty indeed.



There is no limit on how many times you may ask forgiveness from God, even for the same repeated sin. This should not, of course, encourage us to keep on sinning. However it should encourage us to keep on repenting, to keep on struggling with our sin (Eph 6:10-18), and to keep on bringing our sin to the Saviour.

It's clear that sin originates both from the yearnings of our sinful nature as well as from the Devil. God does not tempt us.

James 1:13-15 -- "When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone, but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

The part that I've always struggled with understanding is what we're told in Corinthians 10:13, which states that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I believe God's Word to be true. I believe in His promises because I've seen many of them manifested with such amazing power in my own short life. So then why is it so difficult for me to see this promise and truth applied in my life and to my own situations?

Is merely avoiding situations, people, places, and things that would lead to various temptations an appropriate example of "fleeing from sin" just as we're instructed to, or is it just taking the easy way out, not really dealing with the issue head on let alone exercising the full power of the Holy Spirit in our lives like we're entitled to? This is what I've thought A LOT about lately.

Perhaps I've been going about it all wrong and that's why certain temptations keep rearing their ugly heads. Maybe I haven't learned how to properly rest in the Lord and rely on the Holy Spirit like I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm still relying too much on myself and my own methods (i.e. staying away from certain people; not watching certain TV Shows/Movies; not staying up late to surf the Internet on a computer that doesn't have an Internet Content Filter installed on it; etc.). Whatever the particular temptation, simply avoiding it isn't enough I'm beginning to think.

Hebrews 4:15 is where we find proof of this I believe: "He was tempted in every way just as we are--yet was without sin." Jesus demonstrated that sin can only be overcome by prayer, fasting, and studying the Word of God. Just like Jesus, the more in tune we become with the Word and the ways of the Lord, the more apt we are to be able to distinguish His voice from the enemy's in times of crisis. That's why I'm taking a little break from writing just so that I can immerse myself in His Word and hit the reset button in an attempt to restore the relationship I broke when I committed sin of my own free will.

At the same time, I don't think my problem is that I can't distinguish His voice from the enemy's. It's worse! I know that the temptations are coming from Satan. I know they will lead to sin if I engage in them. I know that sin leads to death. I know that Jesus Christ suffered a horrible death on my behalf so that I could be freed and forgiven from such sins. What do I do? I willingly engage the temptation because it's so powerful (and because there's a part of my heart that still loves it I suppose), follow it until it leads me to sin, and allow it to sever my relationship with Him leaving me feeling guilt and shame. That's what makes this so bad and what pains me to no end -- the fact that I do such a thing willingly time and time again (not as often as I did before finding Jesus, but still enough for this to be a persistent issue whenever I let my guard down) despite the fact that I know better!

Though resisting temptation is never easy, God promises to reward us for being obedient. I'll try to set my mind on this truth as well. For instance, when Potiphar's wife pursued an immoral relationship with Joseph, he immediately fled from her presence. Though he was later thrown into jail because she falsely accused him, God was with him and eventually enabled him to ascend to the second highest position in Egypt. Moses too made a decision that involved temporal sacrifices, but eternal rewards. Hebrews 11: 25 says that "He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time." As a result, God gave Moses the privilege of witnessing His miraculous hand of blessing for 40 years in the desert. I'm not the first to experience such things, and I'm certainly not the last.

I'm thinking of the "take every thought captive to Christ" command in...Even Science confirms this Biblical truth. Researchers from Duke University, the University of Southern California, and the University of Pennsylvania found that asking college students about their vices actually causes them to stop resisting temptation!

"We demonstrate that asking consumers to report their expectations regarding how often they will perform a vice behavior increases the incidence of these behaviors." Resisting temptation is difficult when you think about that which you're trying to resist! It's a self-fulfilling prophecy: the study participants thought they'd succumb, so they did. Resisting temptation was difficult because of their thought processes. Again, all the more reason to root myself even deeper into God's Word and to take every thought captive to Christ. READ MORE

I think I'll end this entry with a prayer:

Lord, I have sinned against You and You alone. You know the sins of my heart and mind as well as how those sins have sometimes manifested themselves through the words of my mouth and the work of my hands. Please forgive me! My heart is fowl at the moment and my motives are slowly drifting toward the impure ever so slightly. I had no idea! Please bring me back to the shore where You are so that I don't get lost and so that the fierce storms that are coming on the open sea don't consume and defeat me! My heart, oh how it pains me to think about the REAL condition of my heart and to stop fooling myself and ignoring the truth! So sinister in that it was so subtle, and here I am at your feet begging -- for what feels like the millionth time -- to release me from this spiritual bondage, this stronghold of sin that has set itself in my life for years. I desperately want nothing in my heart but a love for You, Your Word, and all things that You created that are good and that remind me of You! Surely, despite my obvious faults, shortcomings, and sins You know my real heart. Yes, the condition of my heart today is not what You expect or want from me. I know that. But the heart that it could become in honor, love, and reverance of You is what motivates me to become the Christian You want me to be.

I know You are completing a work in me and that there's no way of knowing how long it will be before You teach me how to overcome and live a victorious life in Jesus Christ on a moment-by-moment basis. Perhaps that's what this particular trial and tribulation is all about. I thank you for certain in-depth studies that have forced me to consider my current state of holiness and righteousness because without them I just would've continued on like the blind leading the blind.

I still say I'm a "babe in Christ" and that's to simply express my knowledge of the fact that I only began this life with You a few short years ago. I'm still learning my way in this world and learning how You want me to be, but that doesn't excuse my thoughts or behavior. I know better. It pains me to know end to think about how I've taken Your sacrifice for granted lately. Why don't I just laugh when I think about Your humiliating, painful journey to the cross on my behalf? Why don't I just spit in Your face when I think about seeing You hanging on that cross in my place? What's the difference!?! Isn't that what I've been doing in a sense each and every time I willingly give in to those temptations even though I know that they're wrong?

Please haver mercy on me, Your humble and unworthy servant. Please don't turn away from me. Please don't give up on me. Please restore my heart and mind until it is in accordance to Your will for this life. Most of all, please restore our relationship that I've broken.

I would like to end with the words that David penned in the Book of Psalms Chapter 51:

"Have mercy upon me O God, according to your loving kindness, according to the multitude of your tender mercies. Blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin"

RECOMMENDED READING:
Jesus’ Example: Resisting Temptation
How To Resist Temptation
The Christian Who Has Stumbled
Can God Really Forgive Someone Like Me?

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